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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A story worth sharing 4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. Cos that is the exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.

There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I
had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that
there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after
informing my sleepy child.

With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am
home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So
with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room,
skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just
having a well-deserved sleep, all I heard and felt was broken porcelain and
warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the
'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bedsheet
and blanket!

Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged
straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a
good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short
explanation:

"Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore leftover rice. But you were not
back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered you
reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around,
hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to
cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was
afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to
keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind! you 'cos I was
playing with my toys... I am sorry Dad..."

At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks... but I didn't
want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried
with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went
towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while
coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed.
When every thing was done and well past midnight, I passed my son's room,
and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock,
but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.

A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to
focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most
of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from
kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression
on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.

However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time,
his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from
school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain.
But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name
and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing
computer games.. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of
him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am sorry, Dad'.

But after much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent Show' organized
by his school and the invite is for every student's mummy. And that was the
reason for his absence as he has no mummy.....

Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten
has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to
himself and stayed in his room to practise his writing, which I am sure,
would make my wife proud, if she was still around 'cos he makes me proud
too!

Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. Its
winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the Christmas spirit is in
every passer-by... Christmas carols and frantic shoppers.... but alas, my
son got into another trouble.

When I was about to knock off from the day's work, the
post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an
edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several
letters with no addressee.

Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn't help
but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control.
Once again, as before, he apologized, "I'm sorry, Dad" and no additional
reason to explain. I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office
to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily
questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year.

His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy.

My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask
him: "But why did you post so many letters, at one time?" My son's reply
was: "I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach
out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post
the letters. But recently, when I went back to the post box, I could reach
it and I sent it all at once."

After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to
say....

I told my son, "Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you
have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy. My
son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon after, he was
sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf,
I brought the letters outside, but couldnt help opening the letters before
they turn to ash.

And one of the letters broke my heart....

Dear Mummy,
I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and the
school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did
not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was
afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went
around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of
the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was
furious, and he couldnt help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell
him the real reason.

Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is
so sad and often hide and cry in his room. I think we both miss you very,
very much. Too much for our own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to
forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your
face and remember you?

I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you
miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why havent you
appear?

After reading the letter, I can't stop sobbing, 'cos I can never replace
the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife....

For the females with children:

Don't do so much overtime. If you cannot finish the work, it must be some
kind of problems within the company, and it is not your sole problem.
Feedback to your boss.

Endless overtime may not necessary be the answer to the problem. Take care
of your health so that you can treasure and take care of your little
precious.

For the married men:

Drink less, smoke less, cos nothing can replace your good health, not even
business nor clients.

Try thinking this way, are you able to work till your clients are tot ally
dependent on you? Or your boss is totally dependent on you? In this
society, no one is indispensable.

Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your little precious
and your loved ones.

For those singles out there:

Beauty lies in loving yourself first.

With confidence and loving yourself, you will see the beauty in other
things around you. You will be able to work better and happier. Don't let
your health be affected by your work or your boss, so nothing matters more
than your well being.

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