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Saturday, January 28, 2017

So tired

I'm tired of the relationship I'm in. I wanna end it so badly. I don't feel the love at all. If there is no love then what is the point to continue in it?

I just don't get it. In the beginning, he found Naomi so adorable and love her so much. But as time goes by, he changed. He finds her irritating and annoying.

Why do people change so quickly? I really believe that he is the one but in the end all I get is disappointment.

He has lost all tolerance for Naomi and me. If he doesn't have the patience in handling a child then why did he choose to be with me?

It is so heart breaking but I have reached my limit. He chose 2 happy occasions to quarrel with me. Christmas and Day 1 of Chinese New Year. I tried not to shout but he kept shouting at me.

I'm trying very hard not to cry because it is believed to be unlucky to cry on the 1st day on CNY but my heart hurts so much. I seriously doubt if we can last any longer. Hatred is building slowly within me.

If I continue to be with him and someday get married, I'm afraid that all this unpleasant things that happen may someday explode and we end up getting a divorce. I don't know what to do anymore.

On 1 hand, I'm scared of Naomi's feelings and reaction if he is gone. On the other hand, I simply cannot compromise to continue being with him when I'm not happy. I don't know what to do anymore.

It is so hurting to hear Naomi say that she doesn't like daddy when he is reacting like this. I know she loves him too but whenever he acts this way she dislikes him because it scares her. Doesn't he realize that he is hurting her too?

There are so many ways to teach a child. Why can't he understand this point? If he can't handle her then let someone else who has more persuasive power to do it. Is there really a need to get mad?

I'm just so upset and heart broken right now. I hope I have an answer when CNY is over. Right now, I just want peace and harmony within the family.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Happy Chinese New Year!

We would hereby like to wish everyone a very Happy Chinese New Year! Huat ar!

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Disheartened

I finally completed my cross stitch so now I have all the time I want to spend looking at my computer screen all day. Can finally blog out my unhappiness.

Sighz.. It's very disheartening to be sending out loads of application for jobs daily to get no reply in return. What is wrong with all the employers out there? Is resume all that you see to decide if a person has potential? It is just a fucking piece of paper! Just like education certs!

Even the few interviews I went came back with disappointing results. I'm sick and tired of going to interviews, answering the same stupid questions every single time. Is it a trend this days for an employer to say how good they think you are but in the end doesn't employ you?

In the past, if a hirer mention how good he/she thinks I am then it's a guarantee plus chop confirmation that I will definitely be hired. Seems like it's not the case this days. They seem to say it for the sake of saying so as not to offend me like that. Knn. Give people false hope. Really knn.

On the surface, I may seem like I'm okay but I'm not. I feel frustrated and depressed not being able to find a job for so long. It feels like there is a hulk in me getting ready to explode anytime. If I become hulk, my neh neh will show so cannot.

But yet, some people can think I'm enjoying myself being jobless shaking leg at home and always make snide remarks like, "Very shiok! Don't need to work." It is loosely translated to my ears that I am being useless.To this I say, FUCK YOU! Seriously, fuck you okay? I depress need to show it out? I need to lock myself in my room everyday and cry to show how depressed I am? I need to slit my wrist? Need to bang my head on the wall?

It is not in my nature to show how upset I am to the world so people around me would get depressed also. It's hard to feel really upset when Naomi is around me doing what Naomi usually does. Being weird and acting like an adult that either makes me laugh or pissed off. Still, it doesn't mean I'm not upset and depressed. Just keeping everything within me cause I don't wanna explode to become hulk and expose my neh neh.

I'm really lucky to have SMBF by my side during this tough period of time always showing me support. I know I may have threw my frustrations on him a few times but he always takes it in his stride. Hah! Like real lor. He exploded on me a couple of times too but not always lah. He has been very understanding and supportive towards me.

He encourages me to wait for the job that I think I will enjoy doing and not just randomly jump into any jobs that offer me just for the sake of having a job. I know he wants me to enjoy what I'm doing and be happy. If it wasn't for him. I think I will really lose hope already.

Thanks dear! I love and hate you at the same time. =)
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